I am Shui Feng, Northwestern’s premier fēng shuǐ consultant! I’ve graciously extended my services to help young clients ward away evil spirits in shabby dorm rooms and even shabbier apartments for better harmony, happiness and sleep. And no, I’m not another wannabe student consultant, nor am I the middle-aged white man with a Ph.D. teaching your “Intro to Buddhism” class. I actually have qualifications — see the Coursera certification on my LinkedIn.

This bedroom has balance, but not harmony. There looks to be many light sources, but not a single one of them is soothing or natural. We get it, you bleed purple. How come you and every fraternity brother insist on hanging dinky lights above your sleeping space? So inauspicious. What about your love life? Is it harmonious right now? I thought not. You definitely wake up on the wrong side of the bed every morning with your clingy hookup. After all, your bed’s headboard is a brick wall you share with hundreds of Plex residents, so you’re basically absorbing the yin (or dead energy) from the snoring guy next door. Prepare for your own diagnosis of sleep apnea soon.

Assessment: Chi can be remediated, but your love life? Maybe not.

Gone are the frat lights, but did you know that clutter attracts stale energy and makes you depressed? I’m sure the rack you spent on male figurines and yuri art gives you some sort of gratification, but it’s not conducive to your long-term success in sleeping well or in pretending to be a normal member of society. Plus, the angry and abrasive shadowy artwork above your bed is certain to invite bad chi into your bedroom. Are you frequently bitter and complaining about your stupid baka life? If so, putting away your dirty laundry will help lighten your emotional baggage and subdue negative energy, but seeing a therapist might help more.

Assessment: Does this room even spark joy?

Unlike our last client’s room, this bedroom has cleanliness, purpose and direction. Yet, the room is slightly unsettling. Could it be the bare bed frame you got for free from a former bachelor pad? Instability disturbs chi, and I know that bed frame is rickety from years of … usage. Could it be the ceiling’s singular, protruding boob light? Wait. It’s definitely the coats hanging on the same wall as the bed. Uh oh. That’s where the evil spirits hide.

Assessment: Sleep paralysis demons.