how to date a…

Photos by Cassie Sun & Katie Chang

If slanty eyes give you a raging hard-on, this guide is perfect for you. For those looking to meet, flirt with, seduce or imprison an Oriental of your choosing, we at nuAZN have provided the perfect starter kit to success. We’ve broken things down by some specific ethnicities to ensure you’re being culturally sensitive, and we’ve consulted the finest international experts to confirm the advice is sound. So get out those chopsticks and lick those lips — it’s time to dig in!

Chinese boys have dark eyes that shine like soy sauce and hair that’s soft like lo mein. Shower his mother with oranges for good fortune, and buy him Xi Yang Yang plushies so he remembers the last time he was truly happy. Wear red every day, shave your head to look like Mao Zedong, declare your allegiance to the CCP and Venmo Xi Jinping 999 RMB to win his heart. Love languages include: quality time, physical touch and words of anti-affirmative action.

In the sea of East Asians on campus, spotting a Viet in the wild is no easy task. But if you’re committed, hop on the Red Line to Argyle and there you’ll find your catch. Viets are the best if you’re into toxic relationships. What can I say? The generational war trauma adds a bit of spice. Tell them you listen to keshi or thuy and they’ll fall for you, jade necklace first. Ask them how business is at their mom’s nail salon and you’ll have the parents’ approval. Other conversation topics include, but are not limited to pho, the fall of Saigon, which members of their family came by boat and how the Valorant grind at Iron 3 is going.

Perhaps you ran into one in Tech at 9 a.m. as they were swarming to MATH-240, or maybe you found one by following the mysterious odor emanating from a study room in Mudd at 4 a.m. Either way, congratulations on spotting your first Indian! From here, the process is simple. All you have to do is flaunt your $300k doctor job, and they will flock to you like flies to honey. Bonus points if you can contort yourself into some version of Indian clothing, put your hands together and say “namaste” while bowing. The best part is they will cook, clean and serve you until the end of time if you can remember the magic words: “Hinduphobia is real.” Mangos and spicy curries a-plenty!

Rather than inheriting Chinggis Khan’s thirst to dominate all of Asia, Mongolian boys love to be conquered. The letter M in Mongolian actually stands for masochistic. To tame your Mongolian boy, be sure to assert dominance by throat singing aggressively and killing a goat with your bare hands. But before you embark on your conquest, be sure to check if his politician parents embezzled a million dollars from the Mongolian government...because why is he wearing Gucci on the first date?