Fortune favors

What’s written in the stars for you?

by Yong-Yu Huang

Does your horoscope remind you of everyone you don’t speak to anymore? The stars have spoken, and so has the family WhatsApp group chat. Your mother has somehow started sending you horoscopes and lamenting that your Venus is in Virgo ­ — and whose fault is that?

CALL HOME, NOW.

Return to your roots. Your parents are empty nesters now. Buy them a plant to replace your presence, preferably something that bears fruit. No money trees. A fig tree, perhaps. Don’t remind them that you’re currently unemployed and unlikely to provide a good return on investment in the next five years — if ever. Your Mars isn’t looking too hot, but stick to your guns.

DO:

  • Overcompensate for absence

  • Send good morning GIFs

  • Pinch pennies

DONT:

  • Chug cold water

  • Count red envelope money

  • Prune garden

THE MIND WAS MADE TO WITHSTAND.

You will not always be plagued by your ex- situationship. You will never be able to wrap your mind around why a traditional Chinese medicine brew will knock out the frat flu better than any amount of Mucinex, but your mind was built for more.

DO:

  • Breathe fresh air

  • Wear blue light glasses

  • Write exposés

DONT:

  • Drink milk

  • Smell permanent markers

  • Sleep with wet hair

YOU’RE LOOKING FOR A LECTURE.

Lock your door. I dare you. Leave a puddle of water on the bathroom floor. You’re back in the motherland and suffering from jet lag, but that doesn’t mean you can forget the honorific for your mother’s second cousin. Your grandmother makes you join her YouTube meditation exercises and insists that stretching will stave off lactose intolerance. Your Saturn is in Scorpio, so don’t get too detached.

DO:

  • Get a job

  • Eat bird’s nest

  • Get foot massage

DONT:

  • Break curfew

  • Convert currency

  • Tell white lies